I was born into a family of Catholics, on both sides. I was raised in a one square mile town that housed three Catholic churches and some notorious gangsters. But on any given Sunday, you’d see those gangsters sitting in the pews of those churches alongside everyone else. I went to Catholic school through high school. I said my prayers every night. I had some questions, but for the most part did what I was told.
A couple of years before I got married, a dynamic, progressive priest joined a parish in my town. He revived my faith. He married my husband and I. He was ultimately pushed out of the priesthood because he questioned how the church was dealing with pedophile priests, and also the church’s stance on homosexuality. That was it for my husband. He was out. I was so deeply embedded- I was not yet ready to cut the proverbial ties. But as the years went by, the ties loosened.
I tried for years to find a balance between the faith I was taught and my own growing system of beliefs. My first teaching job was at a Catholic school, where I had to fight to have my health insurance cover my birth control that happened to be treating a medical condition. A few years later, that medical condition would lead to a miscarriage and required medical procedures to ultimately get pregnant. You may be asking yourself, “why is she sharing these medical tidbits with us?” They become relevant a little later on in this essay.
My kids were baptized, made their first penance and first communion. We enrolled them in Catholic elementary school because that’s what my parents did. The church continued to shelter sex abusers. There were glimmers of hope on the love is love front, but not enough. Reports of LGBTQ+ people being fired from jobs related to the church increased. I continued to grapple with my faith.
And now here we are on the verge of Roe v. Wade being overturned. There are movements in this country to criminalize and ban abortion in all instances, to prohibit all contraception, to delegalize gay marriage, to outlaw infertility treatment, to not support queer students in school and more (Racism is rampant, but since this is about my own journey with religion, that’s a topic for another time). There are people who are using the “Bible” to support their sexism and bigotry. Passages are being manipulated to fit their abhorrent narratives. Religious zealots want women to shut up and just have babies. They want people to hide who they are and just be “normal.” If certain laws pass, women could be fined or arrested for miscarrying, like I did. Women won’t be able to receive medical interventions to assist in getting pregnant, like I did. Women will be forced to carry babies conceived through violence. Women will have no say over their own bodies and reproductive rights.
My daughter’s school is being mandated to teach an outdated, sexist, homophobic, anti-science religion curriculum. A curriculum that teaches girls to not dress a certain way, that life begins at conception not breath, that all contraception is bad because it blocks the creation of life, and that any time any heterosexual couple has protected sex, it is selfish sex because they aren’t being open to the creation of life. We knew the time would come when we wouldn’t always agree with the teachings, but this is on an entirely reckless level.
This country is taking a monumental, perilous step backwards, and the Catholic church is right there directing traffic so it can happen. I am no longer wrestling with my religion. I am a spiritual being. I believe in a higher power. But I no longer identify as Catholic. I simply cannot. I can no longer take what I believe while hypocritically ignoring the rest.
I will continue to stand for human rights and with that comes freedom of religion. I just hope that people come to understand that their religion is just that, theirs. Their religion cannot dictate how other people live their lives or surpass personal rights. As I continue my spiritual journey, I pray for universal acceptance and healing.
bean láidir 